Notes from Summer 🍈🎾

the one where August evaporated into thin air

Listen, listen ~ if you want to feel what it’s like to watch The Bear with me all summer long ~

August evaporated into thin air. And it was just an honour to be here. It has to be.

A geographic return. A check in for another year complete. I sit at the river. Of course i do. For now, my place is here.

~ it would be incomplete for me to write about Summer and not mention I swam everyday until October 29th ~

My only wish was for a year of vanilla cake, picnics, ripe fruit and sunbathing. But, guess what, it was none of these things. I have not been ripe all summer. In the middle of this freakout I was then reminded by my mentor that I am not always a ripe fruit. But I am always a fruit!! Thank God. Surrender to that for a minute, shall we.

~ I am a fruit. Sometimes ripe sometimes not. Surrendering the belief that I am always ripe. That’s not how nature works, silly! You know that ~

Things do soften and neutralize.

A reminder to be patient.

Enjoy ambiguity.

Oh and the confusion.

The joy of being uninvolved .

I think of all my friends lately. Each of them in new relationships or beautiful long relationships. And I just feel so happy. Their love makes me feel like I am in love too. And that’s enough for now. I for one am still standing in the woods crying, wondering if I’m kissing a normal amount. Probably not but this river crush adds hope. (Spoiler ~ river crush evaporated about as fast as August).

I’m learning to put a way dishes this week. It’s actually the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I had to look this up - but it’s referred to as alternating attention. There was a time I knew this. A time where a speech pathologist and occupational therapist came to my house every week. For years actually. My 30’s were weird. Nothing like the 30’s I hope you are experiencing. This “dish thing” (that’s what my retired therapist calls it) is a reminder that both my working memory and my executive function both still suck. I’m done being attached to these things. Let go of wanting things to be different than they are. These things don’t make me funny or cute, or a good surfer. Or a good lover for the matter. Honestly who cares.

What if we just honored ourselves for the things we just are, without trying. The effortless efforts we make. Find fulfilment in the body we have right here. I am to be loved. Of course I am, I am lovely.

I turn 40 in six months. I. am. thrilled. So thrilled I’ve been telling everyone I’m 40 for the last 10 months. Every ten minutes of the last 12 years has been hard. This isn’t a metaphor or a joke, or an exaggeration. I know, what. a. bummer. No pitty, thank you. Everything is exactly how it’s supposed to be. I wonder what I could have been if I put this much hard work into something else? I wonder how rich I might be? (But that certainly doesn’t help). Every ten minutes I choose hope, love and devotion. And every day I am rewarded. Every 10 minutes I detach from the result of the last decision made. I don’t mind what happens. Acceptance and non-attachment to every outcome will be the greatest gifts of my life.

I want all my parts to know, to feel, they can stop working so hard. We are all so tired. Their best is actually too much. I wonder if they would accept some grace. Your “health” returns the more you accept all the parts of you, even the parts that are excruciatingly annoying and intense. Let them stay, and they will go. Stay with them, and they will let you lead. Now we all just sit on the side walk together and cry. We’ll sit here as long as it takes. And then we all feel better. We move forward from here, when we are all ready. Nobody left behind. This is love. I am to be loved. Of course I am, I am lovely.

A friend signed off the other day “ah brother, ah brother, hope you are well. I’m going to go mull in my own suffering.” Suffering? Babe, It’s only because you want things to be different than they are. It’s a total setup. A paradox: You aren’t meant to suffer and, also, you are guaranteed to suffer. To live in divided discontent. A person divided is a person suffering. Surrender. This is exactly how it’s meant to be. Give her a good ride.

Some balms for suffering. Dispositions to adopt. Maybe one will help you too:

1. Surrender the idea things should be different than they are.

2. What feels true. Truth feels like freedom.

3. When are you person divided?

4. When are you person efforting?

5. What is a profound waste of time?

6. What can you rest in ?

7. What does doing the opposite of what you want feel like. Pretty bad huh? I find that to be motivation enough.

8. Your body says. Listen

9. If everything feels precious. You are holding too tightly. Loosen that grip.

10. Do what SEEMS best.

Balms are all just routes to Self. Remember Self. Find self . Oh hi. There i am. It’s all just remembering. Your certainty of Self, your uncertainty of everything else. Nothing really matters. Divine ignorance is nice pillow to lay my head on. Divided discontent is frustrating. Divine discontent keeps me going. When I’m 85 will i be happy with this? I’ve been talking to 85 year old me. She wants pancakes. And a big strong butt, because once you’re 85 it disappears, shrivels up, like 2 wrinkly plums. That’s ok. My wrinkly plum butt, will still be in a bikini.

I want to be excited about something the way everyone is excited about tennis.

“But I don’t feel excited”, i said. Plateaus are not exciting. Plateaus are flat. Like actually. As advertised. Duh. Again, she said to me you just have to pretend it’s there until it is . Really this again? I’ve been pretending for years. And yes it does work. But then we get tired. This time though, I can’t take the high road, the bridge to joy. I’m just flat. So i pretend. I pulled out my map. Your basic needs are routes back to Self. They are an opportunity to remember. Basic needs are sacred. The sacred is how you put back your scattered pieces. It’s how you remember. Basic needs are also, at times, boring. I went for a swim. I pretended it was nice. I oiled my entire body. And by the time i woke up i did feel different. Maybe not excited, but definitely different. Maybe a step closer on the super highway back to Self.

What’s the point? What’s the point? What’s the fucking point? I really don’t know and I really don’t mind. (A constant practice). So I guess I’ll make pancakes and cover them in rose salt. And then do some squats. Cuz this ass isn’t going to strengthen it self.

This new iPad is so nice. And I don’t know how to do anything on it. I actually feel 85. Maybe 40 will feel different.

Divine ignorance ~ a constant practice. Divine discontent ~ to be better. Life is awe and action. Surrender the idea things should be different than they are. It’s an honour. It’s an honour to be here . It has to be.